Professor Snape Goes to Candy Mountain
by Kirara the hyper
Summary: When two fifth year students decide to go on an adventure, our angsty hero is the victim


Severus Snape sat at his desk, in a scowly mood (as always). He was grading term papers as harsh as the average honors college professor.

"T...T...T...D...T..." he murmered to himself. But the man had reason to be annoyed today. There was a bloody wrapping that went from wrist to elbow, a butterfly band-aid across his gargantuan nose, a rather defined bruise on his wand hand, and a sign that read "Hex me!" Spello taped to his back. In other words, It was very safe to say that the potions master was not having a very good day. Unfortunately, that's when they came.

Two fifth year girls bounded from the open classroom door. One was a Slytherin. Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a killer body. Alex Brown was her name. The type that a teacher could get inolved with and not feel the slightest bit of remorse. Snape happened to be that kind of a teacher. His fantasies about Alex were sadly cut short by the other girl. Only about an inch shorter than Alex, a firm, muscular build, long brown hair is a windswept mess, and flaming brown eyes. Wolf Black. A Gryffindor, of course. Snape had a feeling that this was going to end badly.

"Heeeey, professor! Hey professooor, listen up!" Wolf said in a voice that made Snape want to beat her.

"Yeah, professor! You greasy git, listen up!" Alex exclaimed.

"Dear lord..." Snape muttered, rubbing his temples, "Girls, this had best be an emergency. Are the dungeouns on fire?" he asked monotonously.

"Nooooooooo, professor!" Wolf responded. "We found a map to Cand Mountaaaain, professor!"

"Yeah, professor! We're going to Candy Mountain! Come with us, professor!" Alex cooed.

"Yeah, professor! it'll be an adventuuuure! We're going on an adventure, professor!" The two girls grinned at him. Snape stared at them like they were mental hospital patiants, his quill hanging limply in his hand.

"Yes...Candy Mountain...I'm going to continue to grade these abominations and pretend you're both not here, then..." he muttered, looking back down at the term papers.

"Noooo!" Wolf wailed, tackling him to the floor. She started using her teacher as a trampoline. "You have to come with us to Candy Mountain, professor!"

"Yeah, professor, Candy Mountain! It's a land of sweets and joy...and joyness!" Alex insisted.

"Miss Black, get off of me." Snape demanded, his voice dripping with murderous intent. The burnette seemed unfazed.

"Candy Mountain, professor!" she repeated.

"Yeah, professor! Candy Mountain!" Alex chimed.

"Yes, alright..." the disgruntled potions master murmered. "Alright! I'll go to this stupid Candy Mountain of yours! Now will you kindly get off?!" Wolf jumped off and pranced with Alex toward the outdoors. A clearly irritated Snape followed behind.

The two students pranced through the Forbidden Forest with their teacher lagging back.

"La la la! La la la!" the two girls sang.

"Enough with the singing, please." Professor Snape ordered. "I don't know how much more my migrane can take."

"Our first stop is over there!" Wolf exclaimed, pointing to a rock with a large mass resting on it.

"What in Merlin's name is that?" Snape demanded. Little did the angsty professor know that the mass was a drunken Jiraiya, the Pervy Sage of Konoha.

"It's a Leopleuradon, professor!" Wolf chirpped excitedly.

"A magical Leopleuradon!" Alex added.

"It's going to guide our way to Candy Mountain!" Wolf explained to the lost, but still very momotonous man. Snape vaguely wondered if he could confiscate and use the drugs these girls were taking for himself.

"You do realize Candy Mountain doesn't exist, right?" he asked. He knew the Gryffindor girl would believe such lunasy, but he expected better from his own house.

"Shun the non-beleiver!" Wolf hissed to Alex.

"Shuuuun!" Alex projected.

"Shuuuuuuuuuun!"

"Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnna!" Snape blinked, neither impressed, nor certain of any brain function ever coming out of the Bernette girl's head. He knew Alex was smart, though. She was the only O out of all of the term papers he graded. Just then, Jiraiya shifted slightly and rambled loud and incoherently to the three adventurers.

"BLARGHLHUOOOUPAHAAJGHsoh!" the drunken man screamed. Sev mentally noted that the man really did look like something prehistoric in his current state.

"It has spoken!" Wolf cheered, prancing off in a random direction.

"It has shown us the waaaay!" Alex commented, waving her hands in front of her like Tralawny, following her friend. Snape stood there for a moment.

"It didn't say anything!" he called to the girls. He half considered going back to the headmaster, but he was too deep in the woods to have any hopes of finding his way back before dark. He sighed and followed the two insane Hogwarts students.

After walking for an uncounted amount of time through the Forbidden Forest, the trees opened up to expose a big, hidden chasm. Snape found himself here, on a rickety bridge that could snap at any moment and lead the three to their gruesome doom.

"It's just over this bridge, professor!" Wolf shouted from behind him.

"This magical bridge of hope and wonder!" Alex added with a grin.

"This bridge seems very unsafe." Sev said, mostly to himself, "No doubt this is one of those horrible Muggle bridges?" But the girls weren't paying him any attention.

"Professooor!" Wolf drawled. "Profeeeessooooor! Professoooor! Profes-"

"I'm right here, Miss Black! What on earth do you want?!" Sev demanded.

"We're on a bridge, professor!" Wolf shouted. What Snape wouldn't give for some Prozac right about now.

"We're here!" Alex exclaimed, several minutes later. A mound of candy about 12 feet hight stood proudly in front of the disbelieved potions master.

"Well, that's a shocker," he said to himself, "There really is a Candy Mountain..." Wolf began to sing.

"Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain! You fill me with sweet, sugary goodness!" she defied gravity and flailed in the air as she did so.

"Go inside the Candy Mountain cave, professor!" Alex said, jumping excitedly.

"Yeah, Professor! Go inside the cave!" Wolf exclaimed. "Magical wonders that behold when you enter!"

"Erm...thank you, but I would much rather stay in the light where I can see you two." Snape murmered.

"But you HAVE to enter the Candy Mountain cave, professor!" Alex protested, tugging on the potion master's sleeve. Snape was about to protest, when five Hogwarts staff members leapt from the candy mountain, all of them wearing a letter costume, so it spelled CANDY. And partially to his horror, Albus Dumbledore was the letter Y, and had just started singing.

"Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up, than just head right up to the candy mountain cave! When you get inside, you'll find yourself a cheeeery land, such a happy and joy-filled and perky merry land. They got lolipops and gummi drops and candy things, oh so many things that will brighten up your day! It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town, its the Mecca of lovely candy cave.. they've got jelly beans and coconuts with little hats, candy mats, chocolate bats, its a wonderland of sweets! Ride the candy train to town and hear the candy band, candy bells, its a treat as they march across the land! Cherry ribbons stream across the sky and into the ground, turn around, it astounds, its the dancing candy tree! And the candy canes imaginations runs so free, so now Sev-rus, please will you go into the cave!" The headmaster ended his song by tackling Candy Mountain and exploding.

"Alright," Snape sighed, "I'll go into the cave. There had better be a good reason why I have to, though." The angsty techer bent his head and shuffled into the dark and somewhat crowded space, Wolf and Alex cheering "YEAH!" all the while. Then Wolf started laughing.

"Goodbyyyye, professor!" she cal;led into the cave.

"Yeah, goodbyy-yye!" Alex sing songed.

"What do you mean by goodbye?" Sev asked wearily. The door slamming was his response, envelpoing him in complete darkness. "What are you two doing! Hello?" Snape turned as he heard footsteps scuttle by. "Who's there?" he asked, reaching for his wand. There was a sudden whooshing sound and a head splitting pain in the back of his head, knocking the man unconscious.

Snape awoke in his classroom, slumped over his desk, a bad headache throbbing in his cranium.

"Uhhhhn...What on earth happened...?" he felt a slash across his teaching robes. Snape looked down quickly to see bloody stitches.

"Oh, they stole my kidney!"


End file.
